Thailand - Part 1 - Transportation

One of the most celebrated traditions of a groom is to plan a beautiful relaxing honeymoon for his new wife for after the wedding. I mean she does so much planning for the wedding, it’s the least he can do right? A time honored tradition, to show the equality in the relationship. Then there is me and Rebecca. Not only did we not go on our honeymoon right after the wedding, but it was easily more planned by the bride than me.  It was still a team effort, but there was definitely no big surprise for the bride at the airport for where she was going.  So as the title eludes, we went on our honeymoon to Thailand and to say that there were a few stories would be a bit of an understatement.  First, and probably most continuously problematic, was simply getting from one place to another.
The journey started on the morning of the 20th (August)  when we left from London Heathrow to Bangkok with a stop in Colombo, Sri Lanka. Now, me personally, I had an amazing flight. I would even argue that it was the best airline food that I had eaten.  I didn’t even  mind the stop in Colombo. The airport was nice, it had free internet. Sure, instead of airport security it had armed army personnel, but it really didn’t seem to bad. Rebecca had a bit different experience though. On the first leg of the journey she ended getting half food poisoned, half air sick and that persisted all the way to Bangkok. Even while on the ground in Colombo my darling wife’s complexion was closer to that of a lime than anyone should really be.  A wonderful way to start our romantic honeymoon.
Upon arrival in Bangkok, we quickly learnt that everything is to be bartered for, and I’m pretty sure that there is a running competition in Thailand to see who can get the white boy to overpay by the most. We first learnt this with our very first cab ride in the city. If you only speak English, the first price they quote is 5 times the correct price. We asked about a cab to our hotel, 250 baht. Not bad, only 5 pounds and seeing as we didn’t have a clue where our hotel was it seemed reasonable. A block later we got dropped outside our hotel… worse yet, the hotel staff let us know that our trip should have only been 50 baht.  We later learnt that if you ask for the cab to meter you don’t have to barter, which is easier when you are exhausted. Other modes of transport in Bangkok we took included a decently easy to use subway system that didn’t go anywhere near any of the tourist destinations, a ferry boat system that if you weren’t sure where you were suppose to get off meant that you would end up quickly outside of the city and the famous tuk-tuk’s that were easily the most popular legal version of Russian Roulette that I have ever see. Now tuk-tuk’s weren’t isolated to Bangkok, but they were easily most terrifying there. On roads with lanes that changed direction depending on which direction was more adventurous, these three wheeled open aired taxies would hurdle themselves through any small opening that they could fit through (even if it was the lane of oncoming traffic) in order to save anytime they could. Add in the fact that on top of them, there were literally thousands of scooters everywhere, traffic could be packed as far as the eye could see with regular cars and that in Thailand you don’t need a seatbelt, it was easy to see why we were always thankful to make it to the end of our tuk tuk journeys in one piece.

Tuk Tuk 

The next transportation journey was the epic journey from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. Now, in Bangkok, almost every day somebody would tell us that whatever thing we were going to was closed, but for a small fee they could take us to “the lucky Buddha” or “the big Buddha” both of which don’t exist. So needless to say we started to become quite skeptical of anyone that would come up to us and tell us anything unsolicited. So naturally, when we got to the train station for our quiet sunset/overnight sleeper train to Chiang Mai and the first person we see tells us that our train is cancelled we automatically ignore them and walk past them and go pick up our luggage that we stored earlier in the day. When the second person comes and tells us the same thing we look closer to her shirt and it reads “Enjoy Thailand by Train” we are still skeptical but are starting to believe them. We then talk to the train ticket agent and they tell us the same thing, we realize were in trouble. Instead of the nice train with beds, we get to take a bus. Not just any bus however, a VIP bus. So me, Rebecca, 4 other British tourists that we meet and 2 people that didn’t really feel the need to chat, all get shuttled off to get the bus. Still feeling like we were being played (mainly as there wasn’t a single thai person and the bus had cost us more than the train) we got taxied to the bus station. Otherwise known as a tiny restaurant in the middle of a street and told to wait there for our VIP bus. Crap, this is getting shadier by the second, but at this point they tell us that they will be graciously stopping for dinner during the trip. Oddly enough they will be stopping at midnight, but whatever. Finally the VIP bus arrives to dazzle us and dazzle it did. Build in the 1970’s with all the modern décor of pastel blue with the faint musk of mold, it was everything we could ever hope for. But that wasn’t all, we also got a many hour long video of a live Thai rock show. You would have thought that would have been annoying and stopped you from sleeping, but that wasn’t even close to a concern. Yes the rock shows flashing lights may have kept you awake, but that was only if the fact that the bus was driving 90 miles an hour weaving through traffic on a monsoon didn’t. The driver was creating a nice rocking motion like the ocean from the combination of hydroplaning and traffic weaving. As promised, at midnight we stopped for dinner at some stop, don’t bother asking where. Here we were offered a choice of mystery meal that smelt terrible, even by truck stop standards, and bottled water. Easy choice.  Another interesting note, buses are much faster than trains and when we got to Chiang Mai at 6 in the morning instead of 10 am like planned, hotels don’t really have your room ready. Who knew?

VIP Bus 

In Chiang Mai we experienced a new method to get around. There the preferred method to get from place to place was in the back of converted pickup trucks. They would run cushioned seats along each side of the bed with a canopy for cover. It really wasn’t too bad, unless of course you looked at the back end and noticed the fact that while they had cut a nice hole to act as a door to get in and out of the back, there was now nothing between you and the sliding out the back end and into traffic.

New Chiang Mai Transport

Even though we were on slippery vinyl seats, this wasn’t really a problem for people as we could grab hold of something. Luggage however, it couldn’t hold anything, so it liked to try and escape for freedom whenever it saw an opportunity.

Train to Bangkok

By the time we left Chiang Mai, the landslide that prevented the train ride up had now been cleared up and we were able to take the sleeper train down to Bangkok and then onto Hua Hin. Whether this was a good thing or not is still very much up for debate, but it was easily a new adventure. The train itself was fine. It moved about the same speed as a lost cow, but we did it in style. One thing that we didn’t think about however was the fact that they served us food, that unlike the random bus stop we stopped at, looked and smelt good. Unfortunately, the trains are generally taken most by the Thai people and because of that the food was cooked for the Thai palette. In many ways this is fine, but one thing that we had learnt about earlier in our cooking course (I’ll talk about that in a later story) was that all tourists food is about a tenth as spicy as a normal Thai meal. Combined with the fact that Rebecca already thought the food was too spicy and I thought it was at a good level, my face literally melted as I ate the curry that was given. Worse yet was that, even though I was dying with each bite (I know, the folks with ties to the southwest will be calling me a wimp, but ie-whey-la! (anyone actually know how to spell that?)) , it was extremely tasty, so I couldn’t help but to keep eating. 

Train Food

The second issue came when we started talking to a nice German on the train with us. We were starting to get worried as the train was supposedly getting to Bangkok 30 minutes from the time it was and we were still in the jungle.  Apparently, the arrival times were only for suckers. No trains ever ran on time and usually they were a hour or two late (worst we saw was a train that was 8 hours late). With our connection scheduled to leave an hour and 45 minutes after scheduled arrival, we started to panic. Stopping at every road crossing in Bangkok (trains stop for cars, not cars for trains like the west. Crazy, I know) and having to wait for street vendors to move their stalls of the tracks, we jumped out of the train and made our way to our connection.  So amongst the hoards of five foot five Thais, me and Rebecca were sprinting through the station with two large suit cases running half aimlessly, because we can’t read Thai and didn’t know where our train was departing from, towards our train. Thankfully, we ended up making our connection literally as it was pulling out of the station and were on our way to sit on a beach in Hua Hin and not deal with anymore transportation until we were travelling back to the UK.
“Beep! Beep! Beep!” 5:00 am, Saturday, September 3rd the alarm goes off in our hotel room and we get to begin our journey back to London. Why so early? Well, there are only 2 trains from Hua Hin to Bangkok a day. One at 6:30 am and one late night. Since the late one would have us miss our plane, (especially given that trains run hours late anyways) the early morning was the only option. Get to the station 15 minutes before the train is suppose to arrive, naively optimistic, and prep for our train. When we get there we are told that the trains are running a little late so we would have to wait. At 7:15 am, 45 minutes after our train was suppose to leave, the 4 am train heading south arrives.  Startled, we decide that it would be best if we clarified what was meant by running  “a little late.”  What they meant by a little late was, over 2 and a half hours late, with no definite timeline.

Delay Time For Thai Trians

Shit! Good thing we had planned to have 9 hours in Bangkok before even needing to go to the airport. Time crawled on, with no idea about when the train would actually be arriving we tried not to think about the cruel alarm clock that stole the comforts of a bed away seemingly hours too early. As 8 o’clock rolled past, a flurry of trains all came through the station, each time we sat up with anticipation, only to have the station attendant dash our hopes by shaking his head at us and saying, not this train. Eventually, one of the ticketing agents finds us and tells us that they can switch our tickets to a new train to Bangkok and that would be the next train at the station. Eager to get moving we switched our tickets and fifteen minutes later were on the 5:30 am train to Bangkok (at almost nine).  With vendors, selling everything from souvenirs to hot and cold food, marching up and down the aisle of the train we made our way to the city, arriving sometime after one. In Bangkok, we tried to muster up the desire to do some shopping, but tired we decided to grab some food and just go to the airport a little early and just sit and rest.  We ended up at the airport 4 hours before departure and an hour before check in was available, so we found a seat and let time drift away. What seemed to be eon’s past (actually only an hour, but when you are bored, EON’S!) and check in opened up so we got into line to eagerly get rid of our heavy luggage. It only took a few moments before both me and Rebecca noticed that something was terribly wrong. Each person checking in ahead of us (which was a large number, especially for 3 hours before flight time) was taking an extremely long time and at the end was given a box that looked to contain a meal. According to the agent, the plane had been delayed in China and was going to be 2 hours late. DOES ANYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY RUN ON TIME? Seriously? Well at least they were giving us a meal. WHAT! We were still on the ground and they were giving us shitty airplane food! This wasn’t right, but with no other choice, we ate our food (which wasn’t allowed past security as well) and continued past security. One thing that I will commend the airport with was that there were areas with comfy leather sofa’s to crash on and we even had the nature channel to keep us entertained for the delay. I could talk about how we ended up with 12 hour layover back in Sri Lanka and a stop to pick up more people in the Maldives (which don’t have an island big enough for a landing strip so they had to make one, which is freaky to land on) but I’ve rambled long enough and really, long planes aren’t that exciting of an adventure. So, I will end this story here and say that we got back to London at midnight Sunday, September 4th to end the long trek home.